Jupiter Ascending (2015) Review

Jupiter Ascending (2015)
D: Andy Wachowski, Lana Wachowski
W: Andy Wachowski, Lana Wachowski
S: Channing Tatum, Mila Kunis, Sean Bean, Eddie Redmayne, Douglas Booth

I said was going to review a 2015 film and here's a doozy to start with.

The Wachowski Siblings, the team behind the notable and influential Matrix films (at the first one meets those qualities) now bring their latest sci-fi epic to the big screen with Jupiter Ascending.

The story of Jupiter (Mila Kunis) who is your average, everyday girl who spends most of her time as a house cleaner until one day when she finds out she is the reincarnation of the matriarch of intergalactic royal family and is the rightfully ruler of Earth. She must battle against the three children of the family along with the help two ex-soldiers (Channing Tatum and Sean Bean, respectively).

Now there's no doubt that the Wachowski Siblings have been very influential with their films but they've always been a mixed bag for me. The Matrix is without a doubt their most influential film, can't say I 'love' it but I do have like a lot of qualities in the film - the sequels on the other hand were just silly and got surprisingly dull. Cloud Atlas (2012) was an... interesting movie with some choices that one would say are not the most tasteful.

To see an excellent review of Cloud Atlas (the movie and the book) check out the two part review by Kyle Kallgren of Brows Held High. Part 1 - Part 2.

But what about this film? Well this is a case of the Wachowski Sibs trying really, really hard and just coming out with a goofy mess. For one thing: Channing Tatum and Sean Bean's character (and others) are gene spliced with various animals which leads to some strange and oddly funny stuff. Tatum for example is spliced with dog DNA which makes it a bit creepy when he outright says to Jupiter "I have more in common with a dog than I do with a human," and Jupiter says, "I love dogs!" If you're eyebrows raised in a 'WTF' kind of reaction then don't worry because you aren't alone.

Bean's character is part bee and is named Stinger... you read that correctly, folks. Oh but wait, I ain't done with the bees just yet. When Tatum and Kunis arrive at Stinger's place he of course has a lot of bees and the bees start to swarm around Kunis. But they aren't swarming her in a threatening manner but in a mystical way. The reason for this is because it turns out that Kunis's character is Royality. How do they come to that conclusion? Well, it's because she's never been stung by a bee and bees never sting royalty.

So remember kids: If you've never been stung by a bee then you're royalty from another planet.

That's not the dumbest thing ever uttered in cinema but man oh man is that just plain goofy. But it gets better there's one moment in which a bunch of bounty hunters attack Bean's house and one of the bounty hunters is attacked by the bees. You can guess what movie quote I was shouting in my head.

But the film gets stranger. It turns out that Kunis is the reincarnation of the Queen of Earth essentially who has three children: Kalique (Tuppence Middleton), Titus (Douglas Booth) and Balem (Eddie Redmaye). Oh my, I will talk about Balem soon enough.

Kalique is just sort of there, she doesn't really leave that big of an impact. Titus actually wants to marry Kunis which is creepy and disturbing. I mean I know this is science fiction but there is no way this could NOT be creepy, "Hey you look like my dead mother. Will you marry me?"

And then there's Balem... oh my giddy aunt do I love Eddie Redmayne now more than ever. This guy is going to 11 in the hammy villain department. This is almost John Travolta in Battlefield Earth (2000, dir. Roger Christian) and it is just as enjoyable. 

As I said earlier the biggest problem with this movie is that it's a mess. It's trying to be so many things that it just comes out jumbled a confusing. I did find myself asking, "What in God's holy name are you blathering about?"

Also, Mila Kunis is given a really flat character who could have been interesting but she just ends up as another damsel in distress who gets rescued at least three different times in the movie. 

It's trying to be a space opera like Star Wars with elements of Soylent Green (1973, dir. Richard Fleischer) and even stuff that reminded me of 90s extreme sports movies. I also get the feeling that it wants to be Guardians of the Galaxy (2014, dir. James Gunn).  But then there's the Space DMV! Yeah this scene took up a good chunk of the middle act and the only reason I can think of this being in here is a tribute to Brazil (1985, dir. Terry Gilliam), speaking of which keep a look out for Gilliam in the film. 

The Wachowskis, in my book, bit off more than they could chew. 

If this is something you've been wanting to check out then by all means go and see it. For me, it just comes off as trying too hard. But I can't deny that I had fun while watching this film. Mainly because I was poking fun at the movie in a Rifftrax/MST3K way.

Agree? Disagree? Share your thoughts in the comment section.

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